Last night I remembered why I am a Democrat...

Felt like I was being suffocated by a baby elephant last night and kept having weird spasms in my face and right arm that kept me up until 5 am. No point in going to the doctor. They'll just recommend more tests I can't afford. Oh, Canada, how I wish we had your health care system.:( Unfortunately here in 'Merica we only believe those with high incomes should be able to afford health care even though I work harder than a good percentage of those high income citizens and have more to offer this country if I could only be given the chance. Dear Romney doesn't want to give me that chance. He wants to push the poor down and close the door on them and only help the wealthy. If he becomes President any hope of me obtaining affordable health care will go out the window since he will be giving insurance companies full reign over pricing and who gets what coverage, including impending on my right to receive birth control at my discretion. I will not be able to escape poverty if a capitalism driven Republican takes office. And that is hardly what we would consider the American dream.

I have been having these pains in my right arm for weeks now as well as becoming extremely light headed and on several occasions almost passing out. It scares me and infuriates me that I am so hesitant to seek medical attention since I am already over 5 thousand dollars in medical debt, am a full-time college student with a 3.2 GPA and trying to help my low income mother and grandmother who have slaved away their entire lives just to achieve the small amount of independence they have, we own about an acre of land in the country but even that has been mortgaged.

To me, this election is coming down to two things, human rights and money. President Obama is not completely innocent. He is a politician. However, in watching the two candidates prioritize their arguments during the debate, Romney repeatedly turns to monetary issues, steering away from questions about women's health and others while Obama is only too happy and willing to approach those subjects with as much enthusiasm as issues of budget.

I am a Christian and a lot of my personal views would be considered traditional. I am pro-Life. I am. But I will not enforce my views on other women because I do not want their views enforced on me. Treats others as you would be treated. Oh wait, isn't that a Biblical idea? Yea, I think it is. A lot of what Jesus said would be considered liberal when taken in context. Jesus was not about monetary gain. He told us to love everyone and forgive those who trespass against us. He told us not to point out the speck in someone else's eye when there is a log in our own. I am not a judge. I figure I'll leave that up to God. But I do love people and I do not want to see anyone suffer as a result of our close-minded, backwards, money hungry government. There are more important things in life. Like education, equality for ALL, feeding the hungry, and making sure everyone has the same access to medical care, not just those with insurance. I have known doctors who refuse to see anyone uninsured, who turn out sick before they are better because they cannot afford the bed they are laying in. THAT is a sin. THAT is wrong. THAT I can judge. Our priorities as a nation are so screwed up. I am glad that President Obama is in office, I hope he stays for another four years. His policies are as close to humanitarian as we'll get, and we need a President who understands those human needs of this nation. He has my vote because he recognizes me as human being with needs instead of a dollar sign.

Making a Comeback

Wow, I can't believe it's been over a year since I last posted. I had high hopes for this blog. I had planned to use it as a platform to practice my writing, to share my insights, and as an emotional outlet. But, unfortunately, life doesn't care about your plans. How cliche, right? Yeah, I know. But often cliches say it best. My grandfather passed away August of last year and before that I had some physical and mental health issues. I was also suicidal. I had begun seeing a counselor who placed me on antidepressants when I learned that my grandfather had died. It was peaceful. He went out like he was falling asleep. But it still decimated me. I was on antidepressants and oxycodone, for pain for the health issue which is still undiagnosed but which I suspect to be poly cystic ovarian syndrome but because of my lack of insurance I am unable to verify. Everything was from my grandfather's death on is a blur. In fact, until the last few weeks I have not even felt alive. I've been immersed in this foggy reality, half existing, not caring about anything or anyone.

I have been severely depressed for over a year now, but with treatment and medication I have reached a level of understanding about myself and about life. I have to stop living for others, seeking their approval. I have to find out who I am and embrace it. I have to learn to love myself with no conditions instead of letting people enforce on me their conditions for my self-worth. I am a senior in college and this is my time to figure some important things out. Because when I am thrown out into the real world, there won't be any more opportunities to learn these things about myself. To learn to be comfortable in my own skin and in my own views.

Three and a half years ago someone I loved and trusted told me I needed to lose weight, as if my losing weight had anything and everything to do with how they perceived and felt about me. And for three and a half years I have looked in the mirror and hated every inch of myself for verifying what he said. I carved "FAT" into my stomach because I needed a physical representation of how badly his words had hurt me.

But I'm done with hurting and hiding. I am done with people telling me how to think and what to believe and what to do. I am done seeing myself as anything other than someone worth fighting for. I am going to forgive those who've hurt me, apologize to those I've hurt and get rid of those who persist in belittling my emotions and unique thoughts. And I am going to let go of the pain that has been dragging me under for far too long.

I'm making a comeback.

Magic Beyond Words

I just finished watching Magic Beyond Words: The J.K. Rowling Story and I am still in shock. It has inspired me exponentially that I'm not even sure I can put it into words. I have always loved J.K. Rowling and the Harry Potter series. She is one of my biggest literary influences beside Louisa May Alcott and Meg Cabot. But I had no idea her story, her true story, would impact me this much.

She overcame her mother's illness, an abusive husband, poverty, stereotypes, writer's block (to say the least)! She is so strong and driven and I aspire to be just like her now. She's my hero. She's amazing.

I know that the movie is not 100% factual and its creators may have taken some creative license, but the emotion behind the movie is real. The inspiration is still there. And you don't even have to want to be a writer to admire her. She stood firm in her beliefs. She had conviction. She didn't let fear keep her from doing what she really wanted. She is an example to us all to follow our dreams, don't listen to those who try to hold you back.

I was so inspired by her tonight. As I was watching the movie I was thinking, look at what she overcame! I can do that to! My circumstances and my past don't have to hold me back anymore, I can break those binds and fly away through my writing. And maybe, like J.K. Rowling, my past can help me mold my own future.

I've never been so affected by somebody's story as I was by hers.

Poetry Post: Grandpa

You held my hand when I was a child,

you could always make me smile

and when you’re gone

I don’t know how I’ll move on.

Your voice resonates inside my heart.

You were with me from the start

With stories to tell of a life lived well.

Some days only you could break my shell

I wish I could tell you what I mean

and everything you’ve done for me.

Hopeless I came to you, fatherless,

you saw the good in the oppressed.

A greater man I’ll never know,

not Kings or learned men, just a John Doe

who saw the light in daily life,

who changed my world amid the lies.

One day when I have a son,

I’ll tell him of the very one

who’s name he carries with pride,

of that beloved man who lives inside.

2011 (c) Evelyn E. Gaerke

Relatable Character Building

I can't tell you the times I have picked up a book, read a chapter, closed it and never opened it again. Maybe it was boring, maybe the topic was one I had no interest in, or maybe the characters weren't at all relatable. Edward Cullen. Love him or hate him, he was perfect in nearly every way. He was polite, handsome, protective of the woman he loved, and all around the perfect boyfriend. But can modern day men relate to him? I seriously doubt it since the majority of Twilight readers are female. Men don't read the books and think, "Man, I know what he's talking about. Been there, done that." They more likely think, "I can't believe Stephenie Meyer wrote this and now I have to live up to this impossible standard!" But in all honesty they're thinking, "When's dinner?"

When developing characters, we have to remember to make them human, if they are human, and give them flaws. They have to feel insecure about themselves sometimes because no one feels on top all the time, except sociopaths. This is especially prevalent in YA literature. Teenagers experiencing anxiety and depression are at an all time high, so naturally when writing about them, we need to reflect the pressures they feel to look and act a certain way. No one is immune to peer pressure and bullying. Not even your characters.

While writing my NaNo novel for 2009, I had to keep reminding myself to keep my main character real. She had to feel pain and regret. She had to look in the mirror in the morning and not love the way she looked, but accepted it anyway. I kept subconsciously wanting to make her this perfect specimen of a female teenager. Completely uncaring of what people think of her, beautiful, a social butterfly without having to try, in other words...boring! Because if your characters start out without any problems, where do they go from there? A character should grow in some way. Maybe, they start out super confident and something bad happens and they lose their confidence, but then I guess it was a facade all along anyway. Give them flaws. Give them moles and freckles, give them an annoying laugh, make them just a little bit pudgy, Size 12 Is Not Fat, anyone? Its okay to accept the imperfect in your characters. Because that is what I want to read about. People like me.

Study people around you. Notice how they act in front of people. Then  watch them when they're alone. You might find some discrepancies. There's a story there. Story telling is all about characters. Without characters, there is no story. But with characters, there is always a story, if you unclench and let your characters show their true sides.

I know there are exceptions to this. But most of the time, I want to read about somebody I could meet in a grocery store or at school. Just a thought.

The Secret

This is a short story I wrote a couple of years ago for a theme contest. While I did not win, I do like this story and have often thought of expanding it into a full length novel involving mermaids. ;p Enjoy!

There he was again. That strange, beautiful boy. He was sitting in his usual corner of the cafeteria, only a bottle of water in front of him. He was tall, at least 6’2. He wasn’t muscular exactly, leaning more towards lanky. But he had strong hands. And now they gripped the bottled water. He leaned his head over the table, his curly, blonde hair hiding his eyes from me. But I didn’t need to see them. I had memorized them long ago. They were the cold gray of stone, and equally hard. And yet, deep within them, I could see the spark of warmth. Some undiscovered secret that I longed to know. But no one could ever get close enough to him to know. That’s just how things were.

            And then he lifted his head. And those stone, cold eyes that I had only ever observed from afar met mine. And I couldn’t breath. The chatter of the cafeteria faded from my ears and all was silent except for the beating of my heart. His eyes danced as they bore into mine and the spark I had always imagined was there, shone brighter than ever. I could see the warm being inside, quietly calculating, calmly observing. His lips quirked up slightly and I could see a refined sense of humor in him as well. So much inside, yet so little exposed to the world.

            My eyes were wide and had begun to dry out when I finally blinked. And in the half second of that blink the voices returned, my breath returned, and his hair covered his face once more, his stony exterior firmly in place. Had I only imagined that? Had I slipped into a daydream or merely a lapse of consciousness? My hands were gripping the table so hard my fingers had turned red at the ends and my knuckles were bone white. 

            “Are you okay?” Olivia, my best friend, leaned close to my ear and whispered. “You look like you just saw a ghost.”

            I looked at her quickly before returning my gaze back to him. “I…I don’t know.” I admitted. “I think…I just need some air.” I pushed away from the table, my chair squealing on the tile, before I ran for the exit. I burst through the doors, breathing the crisp November air in gasps. I clutched my arms around myself and fell onto the stone benches that sat by the doors.

            I was trying to regain my composure when the door opened behind me. I tensed immediately. I could sense it. It was him. A strong, tan hand rested on my shoulder and I looked up. I met those grey eyes once more, and this time they hid nothing. I could plainly see the person behind them. He smiled down at me, a teasing, amused smile. One I had no choice but to return. He took the seat beside me, cradling my hand in his and averted his gaze across the busy interstate that ran beside the school, towards the western horizon, and beyond that, the sea.

2011 (c) Evelyn E. Gaerke

Research

I have had to spend many a night devoted to research for stories. For every piece of paper scribbled with a story idea, there is an equal for notes. I have done research on topics ranging from history, mechanics, politics, religion, science, etc. I once researched how to operate a rigid airship. Because that's what being a writer does to you. You want to tell stories, fascinating stories of adventure and fantasy, but we often live the most mundane lives underneath it all. I've never been on an airship. Not sure I ever want to ride one after my research, but I wanted to write about it.

Luckily we live in the age of information and almost anything we need to know is available at our fingertips (i.e. Google). For my Camp NaNoWriMo novel I decided to tell a love story about a high school senior and an ancient genie. While I know plenty about being a high school senior, I was drawing a blank on the genie part, aside from what I've seen in Aladdin, so I pulled up another tab and googled it. Wikipedia was my first option, as usual, and I clicked on the link where I was instantly transported to everything I need to know about genies, or djinn, from the etymology of the word to their religious connotation to what makes up their physical matter, fire.

Not only does doing research provide you with answers to all of your technical questions, it also sometimes provides insight to your plot or even inspiration for a storyline you'd never even thought of. Take my genie story, for example, not only did I decide I wanted the lamp to fall from the sky because some djinn originate from the air, but I also thought up the ending based on something I found doing research.

I know what some of you are thinking. Wikipedia? Where's the credibility? Wikipedia is actually quite accurate for a Web 2.0 invention. While there have been instances of misinformation appearing on some of the articles, it is usually resolved quickly. Not only are there millions of minds to draw from, the article informs you up front if there are any references, also helpful for finding more reputable websites. I've even had a few college professors who recommend going to Wikipedia to find sources, though most schools still have policies against using the actual site as a reference. And it reads incredibly easy, since it is written by everyday folk. So, you may find you understand a Wikipedia article much easier than a more technical source, incredibly helpful while researching my airships.

Whatever you're writing about, doing the research where experience has limited you can open up so many new thoughts for your story. Take the extra time, put in the effort and you'll see that your work will pay off in the future.