Last night I remembered why I am a Democrat...

Felt like I was being suffocated by a baby elephant last night and kept having weird spasms in my face and right arm that kept me up until 5 am. No point in going to the doctor. They'll just recommend more tests I can't afford. Oh, Canada, how I wish we had your health care system.:( Unfortunately here in 'Merica we only believe those with high incomes should be able to afford health care even though I work harder than a good percentage of those high income citizens and have more to offer this country if I could only be given the chance. Dear Romney doesn't want to give me that chance. He wants to push the poor down and close the door on them and only help the wealthy. If he becomes President any hope of me obtaining affordable health care will go out the window since he will be giving insurance companies full reign over pricing and who gets what coverage, including impending on my right to receive birth control at my discretion. I will not be able to escape poverty if a capitalism driven Republican takes office. And that is hardly what we would consider the American dream.

I have been having these pains in my right arm for weeks now as well as becoming extremely light headed and on several occasions almost passing out. It scares me and infuriates me that I am so hesitant to seek medical attention since I am already over 5 thousand dollars in medical debt, am a full-time college student with a 3.2 GPA and trying to help my low income mother and grandmother who have slaved away their entire lives just to achieve the small amount of independence they have, we own about an acre of land in the country but even that has been mortgaged.

To me, this election is coming down to two things, human rights and money. President Obama is not completely innocent. He is a politician. However, in watching the two candidates prioritize their arguments during the debate, Romney repeatedly turns to monetary issues, steering away from questions about women's health and others while Obama is only too happy and willing to approach those subjects with as much enthusiasm as issues of budget.

I am a Christian and a lot of my personal views would be considered traditional. I am pro-Life. I am. But I will not enforce my views on other women because I do not want their views enforced on me. Treats others as you would be treated. Oh wait, isn't that a Biblical idea? Yea, I think it is. A lot of what Jesus said would be considered liberal when taken in context. Jesus was not about monetary gain. He told us to love everyone and forgive those who trespass against us. He told us not to point out the speck in someone else's eye when there is a log in our own. I am not a judge. I figure I'll leave that up to God. But I do love people and I do not want to see anyone suffer as a result of our close-minded, backwards, money hungry government. There are more important things in life. Like education, equality for ALL, feeding the hungry, and making sure everyone has the same access to medical care, not just those with insurance. I have known doctors who refuse to see anyone uninsured, who turn out sick before they are better because they cannot afford the bed they are laying in. THAT is a sin. THAT is wrong. THAT I can judge. Our priorities as a nation are so screwed up. I am glad that President Obama is in office, I hope he stays for another four years. His policies are as close to humanitarian as we'll get, and we need a President who understands those human needs of this nation. He has my vote because he recognizes me as human being with needs instead of a dollar sign.

Making a Comeback

Wow, I can't believe it's been over a year since I last posted. I had high hopes for this blog. I had planned to use it as a platform to practice my writing, to share my insights, and as an emotional outlet. But, unfortunately, life doesn't care about your plans. How cliche, right? Yeah, I know. But often cliches say it best. My grandfather passed away August of last year and before that I had some physical and mental health issues. I was also suicidal. I had begun seeing a counselor who placed me on antidepressants when I learned that my grandfather had died. It was peaceful. He went out like he was falling asleep. But it still decimated me. I was on antidepressants and oxycodone, for pain for the health issue which is still undiagnosed but which I suspect to be poly cystic ovarian syndrome but because of my lack of insurance I am unable to verify. Everything was from my grandfather's death on is a blur. In fact, until the last few weeks I have not even felt alive. I've been immersed in this foggy reality, half existing, not caring about anything or anyone.

I have been severely depressed for over a year now, but with treatment and medication I have reached a level of understanding about myself and about life. I have to stop living for others, seeking their approval. I have to find out who I am and embrace it. I have to learn to love myself with no conditions instead of letting people enforce on me their conditions for my self-worth. I am a senior in college and this is my time to figure some important things out. Because when I am thrown out into the real world, there won't be any more opportunities to learn these things about myself. To learn to be comfortable in my own skin and in my own views.

Three and a half years ago someone I loved and trusted told me I needed to lose weight, as if my losing weight had anything and everything to do with how they perceived and felt about me. And for three and a half years I have looked in the mirror and hated every inch of myself for verifying what he said. I carved "FAT" into my stomach because I needed a physical representation of how badly his words had hurt me.

But I'm done with hurting and hiding. I am done with people telling me how to think and what to believe and what to do. I am done seeing myself as anything other than someone worth fighting for. I am going to forgive those who've hurt me, apologize to those I've hurt and get rid of those who persist in belittling my emotions and unique thoughts. And I am going to let go of the pain that has been dragging me under for far too long.

I'm making a comeback.