Making a Comeback

Wow, I can't believe it's been over a year since I last posted. I had high hopes for this blog. I had planned to use it as a platform to practice my writing, to share my insights, and as an emotional outlet. But, unfortunately, life doesn't care about your plans. How cliche, right? Yeah, I know. But often cliches say it best. My grandfather passed away August of last year and before that I had some physical and mental health issues. I was also suicidal. I had begun seeing a counselor who placed me on antidepressants when I learned that my grandfather had died. It was peaceful. He went out like he was falling asleep. But it still decimated me. I was on antidepressants and oxycodone, for pain for the health issue which is still undiagnosed but which I suspect to be poly cystic ovarian syndrome but because of my lack of insurance I am unable to verify. Everything was from my grandfather's death on is a blur. In fact, until the last few weeks I have not even felt alive. I've been immersed in this foggy reality, half existing, not caring about anything or anyone.

I have been severely depressed for over a year now, but with treatment and medication I have reached a level of understanding about myself and about life. I have to stop living for others, seeking their approval. I have to find out who I am and embrace it. I have to learn to love myself with no conditions instead of letting people enforce on me their conditions for my self-worth. I am a senior in college and this is my time to figure some important things out. Because when I am thrown out into the real world, there won't be any more opportunities to learn these things about myself. To learn to be comfortable in my own skin and in my own views.

Three and a half years ago someone I loved and trusted told me I needed to lose weight, as if my losing weight had anything and everything to do with how they perceived and felt about me. And for three and a half years I have looked in the mirror and hated every inch of myself for verifying what he said. I carved "FAT" into my stomach because I needed a physical representation of how badly his words had hurt me.

But I'm done with hurting and hiding. I am done with people telling me how to think and what to believe and what to do. I am done seeing myself as anything other than someone worth fighting for. I am going to forgive those who've hurt me, apologize to those I've hurt and get rid of those who persist in belittling my emotions and unique thoughts. And I am going to let go of the pain that has been dragging me under for far too long.

I'm making a comeback.